The Hardest Day of my Life

Sunday was supposed to be a happy day, the day we were going to tell our parents that they were going to be grandparents in 7 1/2 short months.  It was the day we were going to ask for their extra prayers that the baby's sac grows like it was supposed to.  I had the menu planned and our parents invited and we were very excited to give our good news to them.


When I woke up Sunday morning, there was a lot of bleeding.  I told Brent and he was going to go ahead and call our parents and cancel.  But I told him to wait and we would see how things went after a few hours.  Since we had been to church Saturday night, we just laid on the couch and watched a movie.  By the time the movie was over, there was already a ton more blood, and I just knew it was way too much for the baby to still be okay.  I cried most of the day and Brent helped me make it through after he called our parents and told them I was sick.  We knew there was still hope, and I tried to cling onto that and pray for the best. 


We both took off on Monday and I called my OBGYN's office as soon as they were open.  They got me in by 9 and by 10 I was getting my internal ultrasound.  The tech zoomed in and out and kept moving it around and around.  I knew she was looking for the heartbeat, as I couldn't see that little flicker of black and white like we had seen just three days before.  It was a different tech than we had used before, so I thought that maybe she was just wanting to be thorough on measurements before moving on to the heartbeat.  But when she pulled it out, I realized what was going on.  


I asked if there was no heartbeat and she told me no, it was gone.  She gave me a hug and left us alone for a minute.  The nurse practitioner came in after about five minutes and told us that it was not our fault, that at this point in pregnancy, it is usually just a chromosome issue and when they are lost it is just nature's way of weeding out pregnancies that could not last full term.  Of course, when this is your baby that you just heard the heartbeat of a few days beforehand, that is not of a lot of help, but what can you say?  


Then I had to get some blood drawn to check my levels.  Once they go down to zero it is safe to try for another pregnancy when I'm ready.  It is much easier to get blood drawn when you know it is to be sure your baby is healthy, but when you know it is to be sure your own body that has betrayed you by losing your baby is healthy, it is a completely different story.  But I made it through it and it was time to go home.


I was trying to keep it together in the office, but it's not easy when you just found out you lost your baby and you are surrounded by a million other pregnant ladies and babies galore.  We made it outside and to the car and I just broke down.  I'm so glad I had Brent with me.  He was so helpful and loving.  He is such a good man.


We spent the day watching some DVR episodes and getting our house ready for the hardwood to be refinished, with crying and cuddling mixed in throughout the day.  Brent asked my Mom & Steven to come over when they got off work so we could share the news with them and have someone else to pray for us and the sweet baby we lost.  It was hard to tell them, but it feels good knowing that they know what we are going through and are praying for us.  I'm lucky to have such a great family to get me through hard times.