A Bad Feeling

I really, really, REALLY don't want to write this post.  But, I feel like I need to so I can get my feelings out there.  I'm having a hard time saying them so maybe I can write them better.

Monday night (Halloween), I started spotting. It hasn't stopped since.  I had some very light cramping that night, but nothing major.  I kept hoping it would go away, but it hasn't.  Plus, I just haven't felt pregnant the past few days.  No symptoms...my boobs aren't sore anymore, I have more energy again, and morning sickness still hasn't shown up.  I just have that feeling that it's over, it's not really describable.  

I don't want to have that feeling.  But I can't help it.  Brent keeps telling me to stop worrying, that it's not good for the baby, but I just know I don't have a baby anymore.  He wants me to call the doctor, but since I have an appointment tomorrow I will wait to see what they say then.  I don't want to hear the news any sooner than I have to.  I want him to cling on that hope of a sweet baby Smith for another day.  Even if I can't.  

I have cried my eyes out and felt this foggy feeling ever since Monday night.  The days have just run together.  I have tried to clear my mind at work, but sometimes I just can't help but think of the baby.  At home, I want to try to be happy, but every time I see Brent I can just see that love for this baby in his eyes and that glimmer of hope, and I just get so upset that I can't even look at him.  He's the only one who knows about the pregnancy, therefore the only one I can talk to about losing it.  He has been great, just hugging me and telling me he loves me, but I don't think anything can make me feel better.  

I have made myself sick over going to the doctor tomorrow.  If I could skip it, I would.  I don't know if I can do this.  We are scheduled to get an internal ultrasound first, so I guess they will measure the baby (if it is still there) to see if there has been any growth since last week.  I have a feeling I will be a wreck.  I don't want to do this, but it is my only option so we can move on.  

Don't get me wrong, though.  I have prayed my heart out, asking God to turn this around.  Make my baby be okay.  And hopefully that is what happens, I just have that bad feeling it's not going to.